home sweet home

I started feel all nostalgic driving through my old neighborhood today. I drive around there regularly but for some reason it brought me down memory lane. I was going to see my mom to have some homemade corned beef and cabbage...and I passed my old elementary school. Old friends houses. Then suddenly it was me and my sister trick-or-treating dress as a clown and a witch, or perhaps a dinosaur and a bride. Or us riding side by side on our Huffies pretending we were Jon and Ponch from CHiPs. Good times.
At the house I peeked my head into my old bedroom. Uninhabited and very empty. Bright orange walls, just how I left it. In a sense I see what's changed and what hasn't. Who I was and who I am now. That's all.

everything comes if you just let it be...

I always try to avoid my blog, like a flasher on a city corner, when I'm feeling blue...because what's new when you're feelin' blue? Do I feel like writing about it, here, of all places? Put my writing right out there, my pain and confusion, my neuroses and my innermost thoughts? It's so public. But then again, shit happens and we all know that. I guess now is one of those times when shit is happening. Well, not happening like it's hot shit---it's happening, you know? I guess that was a bad analogy. More like it happens, when it hits the fan...

So ready for change. An interruption from real life's mundane tasks...or, work. I need an adventure. Or to get outside and go for a hike! A day off with my darling counterpart...I could wear my new boots! We'll take pictures and take in the scenery. Those times that seem so far and so few...the kind that refuels you and brings you back to life. Inspires you. Keeps you going through those endless hours spent working for the man...wondering WTF it's all for. One of those times that reassures you that it doesn't matter what it's for, you just know it's worth it.

I'm so bored with the USA...

Every so often that familiar feeling creeps back in...I need to get out of here. Three weeks in California when I was 20, 6 months in Ireland two years ago...Seattle for our honeymoon. Incidentally on that honeymoon we acquired possibly the best wedding gift ever. Two free tickets to be used by 09/04/2010 in the continental United States, since we received a very pleasant bump from our flight. Two hours later than expected and an extra layover = free-ish second honeymoon.

Last night I had one of my reoccurring foreign country dreams. Life somewhere other than here. Life somewhere perhaps where the grass is greener, and not buried under mounds of unwelcome snow. Life somewhere that is supported and valued by a nurturing health care system, where everyone has insurance no matter what. Kind of like those four days I spent in the hospital in Dublin after an unexpected surgery...where the first words I heard as the anesthesia wore off were "How does it feel knowing you don't have to pay a dime for this surgery?"

It felt pretty damn good. Even though my innards didn't feel that great. Imagine that, not even a citizen in the country and yet I have health care. What an idea! Those commie propagandists maybe aren't so bad after all...

Another reason I'm just itchin' to get out is because of work. Sure, retail is rewarding and well worth the crap pay, especially this time of year. I'm beginning to question WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ALL FOR?!

And that reminds me of a great flick I just watched by Woody Allen, starring Larry David entitled "Whatever Works." The typical misanthropic monologue that defines Woody Allen and that I have a penchant for adoring. New York City, the May-December Romance, the inevitable sense of doom that defines my very unsure, jaded existence. Whatever. Works.

I'll leave with some lyrics I just love from The Swell Season's tune "The Verb".

i'm tired of fighting she said
your words just rattle my head
the joy is draining out now
and I can't make it make sense...

At least I'm not alone. There are plenty of Woody Allen's, Larry David's and Marissa's out there to slowly drain out the rest of the water from the proverbial glass...

wake up and live now

There's no doubt I was fucking up. No one should ever drink like I was drinking. Couldn't go a minute without a thought of the drink. Of having a drink. Liquid numbness. Over the counter, no prescription needed other than that insatiable thirst, need. It was definitely I'm cryin' in my beer sort of situation.

Pandora is again playing in my ear, right now it's Bob Marley Wake up and Live.

Life is one big road with lots of signs,
So when you riding through the ruts, don't you complicate your mind:
Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy!
Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality, yeah!


And continue to change everyday. That's what life is. Roll with the punches. Go with the flow. There's only so much you can control. Not drinking is just another thing I can control. The idea of today to an alcoholic means much more than "what are you doing today?" or "today I have to do this." First and foremost today is another day that we are alive and free from the bondage of alcohol. Constantly grateful and very aware of what living life means. Today.

Today is the day. Everyday is the day.

Yay for Pandora Radio. Actually a double Yay! applies here. It played Sheryl Crow, and I hated it so I gave it a thumbs-down. Pandora actually apologized to me and promised they'd never play it again! This website is the most well-mannered website I've ever came into contact with. Thumbs up.

of swell seasons, ladybugs and cat farts.

Currently I am obsessed with Strict Joy, the album, by The Swell Season, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova of Once fame. The style of this album really reminds me of another of my favorites, The Divine Comedy by Milla Jovovich, hauntingly poetic and never failing to strike a chord somewhere deep within me. Plus The Swell Season reminds me of that swell season I spent abroad in Ireland. It feels like so long ago, and, just like yesterday.
Another one of my favorites just shuffled on the iPod...Gnarls Barkley.

Other than that, a ladybug is crawling on me right now. They are everywhere. I don't mind them though. I think it's because they have polka-dots. How could you be annoyed at something so cute? I saved one in the shower the other day from drowning and put it in my plants. Couldn't say I'd do the same thing for an ant. And definitely not a spider. But I don't generally feel comfortable being in the presence of a spider, especially in the shower. There was that one time I was washing my hair and looked up only to see a spider dangling on its web right above me...and I freaked out. Like, fell out of the shower freaked out.

I'm glad I have time for caffeine (my new addiction) before work this afternoon. And music and a blog update, cuddle time with the cats...even though one of them farted after plopping down right next to me. Gross, like a cat fart.

On that note, that's about all I got.

no thanks, I'll stick with a Shirley Temple.

I'm not sure what I really have to update with other than my walk up the stairs after work, Travis left the light on for me...and it wasn't uncomfortably cold, either. A very light rain, some stars, and contentment at this very moment and everyday for being sober. Finally, a sense of accomplishment instead of yet another failure. I broke the cycle. The interruption that saved my life, and saves my life everyday.

In-TOXIC-ated. Why put more poison into your body?

On a somewhat related note, it was very sad to see that The Chief in Grey's Anatomy went back to the drink. It clearly struck me on a personal level.